Replacing "Ken"

As part of our marriage ceremony over eleven years ago, Adam and I lit a Unity Candle, symbolizing the joining of our individual lives. Times change, sometimes for the better, and there is a new "unity" tradition some couples are using that I think better represents this idea of "unity". Each taking a different colored sand, they pour their sand into a larger vase. And as the husband pours his blue sand and the wife pours her pink sand, the colors come together. Her sand mixes with his sand. And his sand mixes with her sand. Parts of her and parts of him come together in the vase. They fill in around each other uniting the best of both people. You can still see the pink. And you can still see the blue. But together, they are one vase of sand.

Marriage is hard. Becoming intertwined with another human being, someone who does things differently then you, can get complicated. Some couples may find it easier then others or some couples just aren't willing to admit that they have their moments.

We disagree. We get angry. We misunderstand, misread, make assumptions. We don't communicate our expectations. We assume the worst. We get defensive. We pout, withdraw, and grump about. This is married life. Thankfully, only some of the time.

So as God does, He has been using the moments of tension in our marriage to teach me some things about myself and about being a wife. And I humbly admit to you what I have recently learned.

I'm afraid.

I had this dream of what life would be. I imagined my knight in shining armor husband who loved me the way I needed to be loved. A "Ken" doll who would never let me down, would always put me first, and would absolutely and whole-heartedly adore me and only me.

A "perfect husband" doesn't exist. Just like a perfect Christy doesn't exist either.

A friend said to me the other day that at some point you just need to accept your husband for who he is, even if he's not the knight on a white horse you imagined him to be. Accept your husband. "You mean even if he doesn't..." Yes, accept your husband. "Even if he forgets to..." Yes, accept your husband. "But he promised he would and he didn't do..." Yes, accept your husband. Sigh!

So how do I even do that?

Love him. Encourage him. Stop telling him what he isn't doing. Stop trying to change him. Have faith. Pray.

This quote is so true. "Fear ruins our actions of faith."

God wants us to overlook an offense. He would rather we sometimes choose to "let ourselves be wronged or cheated" (1 Corinthians 6:7). I am all about fairness. But I was reminded today that although God cares about being just and fair he is also merciful, forgiving, loving, etc.

Our fears and our expectations that everything be fair, just, and the way we think it should be get in the way. Fears and expectations get in the way of love, the greatest thing of all.

Adam, please forgive me for not loving you the way I should. I am sorry that when I am motivated by my fears I criticize and pressure you. I love you and accept you for who you are today. I want to replace my high standard dream of "happily ever after" with something more attainable. My dream is you and all that you are. The good, work in progress man that God gave to me. Warts, scars, good, bad, baggage and all. God's perfect gift to me.

Your sand mixing with my sand. That's what I want. Forever.






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