PHOTO BY DOROTHEA GRAHAM
Yesterday was a deep day. I blame reading this post about secrets from HOLY EXPERIENCE. It rattled something in me. I was overwhelmed. Maybe because I agree with her. Maybe because my life now is a result of turning secrets into light. I wish I could explain to you all what's gone on in my life. I wish I could share with you the way God changed me. He changed my life. And I don't know how to make that clear to you without sharing the rawest parts of me.
But here's my conflict. We are encouraged to be "real". "Real" is who we really are. Not a mask. Not what you want me to be. "Real" is who I am deep inside. It's my thoughts and my opinions and my hurts and my joys. Some of us just can't go there. Some of us are so guarded and protected inside that they dare not reveal themselves to anyone.
What are we afraid of?
Yesterday, unplanned, I shared my story with a trusted friend. My WHOLE story. The things I allude to. The reality of what I generally refer to. It was a God moment. We cried together. How can you not? How can you not feel overwhelmed when you see how God works and moves in a life? When my friend says, "I don't know how you did it." And I say, "That's because I didn't. God did." And that may sound like Christian-speak, all fluffy and fake. But I MEAN it! In my circumstances, I was not the one in control. The strength and grace to carry on did NOT come from me. I can hardly explain it. I just walked, one foot in front of the other, led from one moment to the next. Now six years after my world came crashing down I can see that it was not because of my own strength. The world is proof of that. Most people would not have made the same choices I made. It was God in me -- and I am on my knees thankful for that.
So that post about secrets gets into my core. Because I want you to see God in my story. Not just because I tell you He was there but because you would see Him yourself. People close to us that knew us "then" and know us "now" can see it. They can see the change. They know something happened. And if you know anything about change you know that it isn't easy. That most people say they can't change. Some people want to change but don't know how. Well our change happened because God made it so. Not because we were capable of that kind of change on our own.
Maybe you don't tell the world your deep secrets or hidden shame, but I think the point is that you can share it with someone or a group of trusted someones. Does anyone know the deepest parts of who you are? Because I have experienced the pain of keeping secrets inside. I have to deal with the repercussions of that now because it effects who you are. It clouds your thoughts, it filters what you hear other people say, it keeps you from trusting other people. Stuffed down secrets can make you sick. They can effect your relationships. They keep you in a place where you feel all alone, like you're the only one. And that's a place that keeps you from moving forward in your life, from letting go, from living life.
You can live without shame and guilt if you can be authentically you in all circumstances. Most of us struggle with what other people think, but why is it that we care so much about that? If you really knew me you wouldn't like me? And if you don't like me because of who I am then why do I want you in my life anyway? We're all broken.
At the end of the day, not being truly you can ultimately keep God's story from being revealed; keeps others from seeing God.
What's the story God is weaving in your life? Why are you afraid to share it? What's holding you back?
But here's my conflict. We are encouraged to be "real". "Real" is who we really are. Not a mask. Not what you want me to be. "Real" is who I am deep inside. It's my thoughts and my opinions and my hurts and my joys. Some of us just can't go there. Some of us are so guarded and protected inside that they dare not reveal themselves to anyone.
What are we afraid of?
Yesterday, unplanned, I shared my story with a trusted friend. My WHOLE story. The things I allude to. The reality of what I generally refer to. It was a God moment. We cried together. How can you not? How can you not feel overwhelmed when you see how God works and moves in a life? When my friend says, "I don't know how you did it." And I say, "That's because I didn't. God did." And that may sound like Christian-speak, all fluffy and fake. But I MEAN it! In my circumstances, I was not the one in control. The strength and grace to carry on did NOT come from me. I can hardly explain it. I just walked, one foot in front of the other, led from one moment to the next. Now six years after my world came crashing down I can see that it was not because of my own strength. The world is proof of that. Most people would not have made the same choices I made. It was God in me -- and I am on my knees thankful for that.
So that post about secrets gets into my core. Because I want you to see God in my story. Not just because I tell you He was there but because you would see Him yourself. People close to us that knew us "then" and know us "now" can see it. They can see the change. They know something happened. And if you know anything about change you know that it isn't easy. That most people say they can't change. Some people want to change but don't know how. Well our change happened because God made it so. Not because we were capable of that kind of change on our own.
Maybe you don't tell the world your deep secrets or hidden shame, but I think the point is that you can share it with someone or a group of trusted someones. Does anyone know the deepest parts of who you are? Because I have experienced the pain of keeping secrets inside. I have to deal with the repercussions of that now because it effects who you are. It clouds your thoughts, it filters what you hear other people say, it keeps you from trusting other people. Stuffed down secrets can make you sick. They can effect your relationships. They keep you in a place where you feel all alone, like you're the only one. And that's a place that keeps you from moving forward in your life, from letting go, from living life.
You can live without shame and guilt if you can be authentically you in all circumstances. Most of us struggle with what other people think, but why is it that we care so much about that? If you really knew me you wouldn't like me? And if you don't like me because of who I am then why do I want you in my life anyway? We're all broken.
At the end of the day, not being truly you can ultimately keep God's story from being revealed; keeps others from seeing God.
What's the story God is weaving in your life? Why are you afraid to share it? What's holding you back?
PHOTO BY DOROTHEA GRAHAM
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